Green Swipe

ELECTION BREAKDOWN

Who is the bigger fool?  Clegg and Miliband did not put on a good show,
but puppeteer Cameron laughed all the way to number ten.

CLASH OF THE TINIES

Forget democracy, 2015 was a British version of an American style presidential-election, but it attracted as much interest as a Punch and Judy tent on a rain sodden beach.  The ostentation soon broke down into an embarrassing public spectacle.  The show featured B-list celebrity contestants who had nicknames like Cleggover, the Kid, and Flashman.  Which one had the X-Factor?

CLEGGOVER

The Conservative party was the Liberal party’s traditional rival.  How was the Coalition government possible?  Power corrupts and every man has his price, but some men are cheaper than others.

Cleggover became conspicuous as Flashman’s sidekick.  The Tories could have given him make-believe job titles like ‘Permanent Undersecretary’ or ‘Keeper of the Privy’, but they took pity on him and they gave him a Deputy’s badge.  It was a token gesture, because he was treated like ‘Number Ten’s Doormat’; the Tories walked all over him.  His Liberals got blamed for everything that the Coalition did wrong, and Flashman’s Tories got praised for everything that the Coalition did right.

After the fun and games were over, the Tories no longer needed a court jester on Downing Street.  They slammed shut its doors in Cleggover’s face, and they banished him.  He departed ungracefully like a whipped dog that bears the noise of derisive laughter ringing in its ears and the pain of a hobnailed brogue up its backside.

Honour mattered in the good old days of Empire.  It mattered for the sake of one’s self respect, one’s family name, one’s King, one’s Country, and one’s Club.  A British gentleman who had brought shame and disgrace upon himself would be handed a revolver, and he would be expected to do the decent thing.  Honour no longer matters in modern multicultural Britain.  Blokes like Cleggover think that they can dodge moral judgements by dramatically falling on their swords; he has resigned as his party’s leader, but that ruse might not preclude a volte-face; he could come back.  If the Liberals seriously want to get rid of him, they will have to 'bump him off' with a red hot poker, and then he really will be sorry.

If Cleggover ascends to Heaven, he will receive moral judgements in that great courtroom in the sky.  He will be accused of being a nondescript entity; a good-for-nothing waster; a faithless traitor; a spineless coward; a toadying sycophant; a useless mug; a pushed-over patsy; a slut; a rent boy, and he will be reminded that ignorance is no defence.

Cleggover’s legacy is virtually worthless.  He has ruined the Liberal party.  They won 62 seats at the 2005 general election.  They held 8 in 2015.  The cause of their decline was ‘camp follower’ Cleggover’s decision to carry the Conservative party’s inadequate government.  The Fates can be so cruel.  If the Liberals had lost just two more seats, Cleggover could have been accused of decimating his party’s delegation.  Damn!

KID MORIBUND

The Kid’s official nickname was ‘Brains’.  He was dubbed that by his mate, ‘Red’ Balls, who has since been kicked into touch.  For some reason, ‘Brains’ never caught on with the general public.  It was just used inside the Kid’s immediate circle of nannies and sycophants and by a few sneering newspaper critics.  Green Swipe decided to give the sad no-hoper a more appropriate, 'double-barreled', nickname, and it got repeated on TV.  Result!

During his time as leader of the opposition, the Kid’s sparring tactics with Flashman were a bit limp-wristed.  He would provoke Flashman with annoying petty gibes and frivolous quips, and Flashman would retaliate with hurtful, incisive sarcasm and scathing put-downs.  It was like the Kid was tip-toeing around Flashman and tickling him with a feather duster, while Flashman was wielding a cast-iron frying pan and repeatedly smashing it in the Kid’s face.  The Kid got knocked-out every week, and that cruel humiliation went on for five years!  Somebody ought to have stopped it.

The Kid’s campaign tactics were inept and barrel-scrapingly desperate.  He relied on dim-witted gimmicks rather than clear messages to convince younger voters.  The Kid was trying to look like the new Justin Bieber but he looked more like a Spinal Tap tribute act.

His male-bonding session with Russell Brand was intended to rub on some street credibility, but they both looked like they were hamming it up for the cameras, and Brand’s sudden conversion to Labour looked deceitful.

The Kid’s encounter with those hen-party groupies was obviously a staged photo-opportunity.  If those girls had been genuine revellers, they would have debagged him and they would have smudged lipstick all over his face; his minders would never have risked that.

The Kid’s centrepiece was his precious tablet of stone.  He thought that an overworked Biblical cliché would provide earnestness for his ambiguous manifesto, but it just symbolized stupidity and it became a laughing stock.

He spoke unintelligible gibberish and jargon when he was addressing Britain’s older generations and they just did not understand him.  They thought he was talking about something or other which did not concern them.  As a result of his failure to communicate with them, he lost most of Scotland and the south of England.

The Kid’s legacy is mass concussion.  The British working classes are about to receive another austerity barrage.  History will be less kind to the Kid.  It will not blame his failure on ‘impetuous youth’ but juvenile delinquency.

FLASHMAN

Flashman was the name of a school bully in a novel called ‘Tom Brown’s School Days’.  The Tory leader received the nickname because he used to bully Labour’s last Prime Minister, Gordon Brown.  Flashman would have his evil way with Brown and then, when he had finished with him, he would leave him sobbing on the chamber floor. 

Flashman is a petulant sadist who is capable of wanton cruelty.  He soon found another victim in Kid Moribund.  He always outwitted the Kid.  If the Kid turned up to PMQs wearing boxing gloves, Flashman would pull a knife.  If the Kid brought a knife, Flashman would draw a pistol.  Their encounters carried on like that until this election when Flashman finished him off for good.

Flashman is an anachronism in modern society; he is a cad who captains a motley crew of madcap bounders.  They have no sense of noblesse oblige; they go about their ‘privateering’ with reckless abandon; they chuck confidential documents into public bins; they call policemen plebs; they play Reality-TV games in the jungle; they invite their friends on diplomatic missions; they get involved in phone-hacking scandals; they tweet lewd photos of themselves; they believe that disabled workers are not worth the minimum wage; they allege that rape is not always rape. 

Flashman may do better in the future if he is not surrounded by that lot.  Can he not find the staff or are they chosen deliberately to make him look good?  He is quite capable of tarnishing his reputation.  When Flashman visited the USA in 2010, he grovelled and slobbered around President Obama's trouser legs like a frisky dog that was trying to grab his master's attention. His obsequious flattery was sickening to hear but nobody was prepared for his supreme treachery.  He told US news agencies: 'We were the junior partner in 1940 when we were fighting against Hitler; we are the junior partner now.  I think you shouldn't pretend to be something you're not.'

Flashman had revealed his true colours; he had torn down the Union Jack and in its place he had hoisted the Stars and Stripes.  The cowardly blackguard had sold out his country for personal favour.  The entire nation was outraged, but his Liberal deck-hands refused to mutiny, and those Labour swabs just muttered a few vapid comments and assumed their bent-over positions.

Flashman was out of line, and he ought to have been sent to the Tower, but the treacherous rascal got away with it, and he is still at large.

NO MORE PUNCH AND JUDY

Where have all the statesmen gone?  Nobody loves a loser, but in this contest, nobody loved a winner.  Top banana Cameron did not make a fool of himself, but he is now living in a fool’s paradise.  In spite of his election success, he cannot gloat.  He achieved a ‘scrape-through’ win against mediocre opponents who ought to have ensured him a landslide victory.  The result infers that the electorate considered him to be the ‘best’ pick out of a rotten bunch.  Who can blame them?  Who would vote for candidates with nicknames like Cleggover, The Kid, and Flashman?

Cleggover and a few other Liberals survived their election massacre.  He will act as though nothing has happened; he is so arrogant he probably believes that greatness was thrust upon him and that he has not yet fulfilled his destiny, but his once faithful followers must feel like they have been led to the slaughter.  Their experience in government proves that integrity is essential.  They gained nothing by compromising their policies but they lost nearly everything.

The Kid got what was coming to him.  His campaign was doomed to fail as soon as he plunged his dagger into his brother’s back.  The wound festered into a running sore and his opponents rubbed salt into it.  They accused him of fratricide, and he was unable to wash the blood from his hands.  The electorate, who understood simple metaphors, lapped up the juicy gossip and they suspected the Kid of being a sociopath; they remembered Norman Bates, who knifed people in the film Psycho.  Bates claimed he would not have hurt a fly, but nobody in her right mind would have trusted him.

Flashman said: ‘I'm fed up with the Punch and Judy politics of Westminster, the name calling, backbiting, point scoring, finger pointing.’  He cannot help himself.  He will always be a cad and he ought to heed his own words: ‘I think you shouldn't pretend to be something you're not.’

What about Our Natalie?  She did well.  Nobody else could have done better.  She made one mistake; she disagreed with Nicola Sturgeon during their televised leaders’ debate.  Natalie did not need to distinguish herself from Nicola.  The three ‘female agents of change’, who included Leanne Wood, could have presented a united front.  They would have offered the electorate a harmonious angelic alternative to the four discordant ‘horsemen’ or ‘pallbearers’ who represented the other parties.  Rest in Peace, Great Britain.

Our Natalie suffered extreme prejudice from the BBC’s right-wing pseudo-journalists.  That place wants shutting down.  The Licence Fee is just a tax on the poor; they have to pay lots of money just to watch ‘Hoorah Henries’, ‘luvvies’ and ‘friends of ...’ having fun at their expense.

The Green Party must explain the BBC’s raison d’être; it is the voice of the establishment; it is the servomechanism which regulates public opinion; it is the propagator of propaganda and codswallop; it is the transmitter of mind-numbing banality; it is the crystal-set-methamphetamine poisoner of the masses.

One last point needs to be made.  The Conservative party bought their 2015 election victory.  They were expected to spend thrice as much as all the other parties combined. 

WINDUP

We thank the Guardian’s most readable snipers Mary Ann Sieghart and Esther Addley for demonstrating their humane shoot-to-wound techniques.

Don’t miss our postponed next post:

‘You’ve Been Conned – Multiculturalism’

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